The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
