Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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