May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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