:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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