He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
