the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
