Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
