A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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