got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
