Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
