I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
