The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
