Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
