Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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