a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
