wakey wakey hands off snakey
just tell him i said nine months
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
