Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
