The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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