so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
