Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
