so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
