11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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