Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
