sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
We got so high we made milksteak
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
