All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
