i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
