So drunk, too bad you don't want this
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
