I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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