tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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