I puked a lego.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
