Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
