My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
