The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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