Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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