This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
