i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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