I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
