Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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