dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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