Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
