all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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