My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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