So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
