I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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