Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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