Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
