If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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