there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
