"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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