I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
