I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
