First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
