I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
