he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
