If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize