i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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