i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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