On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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