I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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