I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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